Celebrities

Every Sunday afternoon I do my mom's grocery shopping and after finding every little thing on the list I end up at the check out and there they are: acres of magazine covers with names emblazoned across the front in candy pink and blue letters. Names like "Lindsay Lohan", "Britney Spears", "Paris Hilton" and "Jessica Simpson". It's always the same article though. Are they getting fat? Too thin? Are they dating? Engaged? Married Secretly? Pregnant? Divorcing?
It always surprises me how little I care. When has anyone ever lain awake at night wondering if Jessica and Nick Are Really Calling It Quits? Maybe Jessica, maybe Nick, nobody else. Think of all the trees and time we could save if all of these magazines just printed what people really want to see, Badly Dressed Celebrities or Celebrities Behaving Badly. Britney Spears could have been engaged, married, pregnant and divorced before I would really want to read anything about her, but there's something about Laura Linney in a really poorly thought-out ensemble that, for me, is compulsive viewing. Yes, there are two wars going on in Afghanistan and Iraq, the world is starting to feel bad for people in the Sudan, maybe Iran is getting a little Irate at all the drones we keep sending over, but look! Christian Slater just grabbed some woman's ass in a grocery store! It's SO INTERESTING! DETAILS AT ELEVEN!!
I have a secret fantasy. I am walking by the corner of Beacon and Park Streets one afternoon and I see a Fox News Team broadcasting on the sidewalk out in front of their studio there. I happen to have a bullhorn with me and just as they go live on the air, I raise the bullhorn and scream "Show some real F**KING news!" and they can't edit it out in time. It's not as cinematic as the guy in "Network" but you get the idea.
It's getting to the point where I really wonder if anyone cares anymore about watching the news since they just assume they can always find the "real news" on the internet. But people forget that there are a lot of people out there who don't log on and check out the BBC or Raw Story.com to get an alternative idea as to what "news" should consist of. I will never forget what a woman from Czechoslovakia told me about their news broadcasts during the late '80s and '90s. Everyone in her neighborhood refused to watch them. They would leave their houses and take a walk around the neighborhood. People I met in Vietnam had pretty much the same attitude. The relationship between big companies and politicians and the news media was a lovely little love-in every night and best just to ignore it.
So basically my point is, don't watch the nightly news. Go for a walk. Or, you can watch the new David Spade Celebrity Show instead.
Consider yourselves warned and informed.

Celebrities