The Nesting Instinct

I wish I was one of those people that you read about in Good Housekeeping that writes in their housekeeping tips: "I clean the kitchen on Monday night while the kids are watching the Biography Channel. It's a great time to sort my recyclables!" After almost three years of "typical" 9-5 life, I now know that these kinds of hints are dreamed up by an assistant editor who lives in a luxurious Manhattan broom closet on a trust fund. Personally, just between you and me, I clean when things are dirty. Luckily I am not one of those people who needs heavy medication to stop hallucinating dirt in the corners, but I try my best to keep the Board of Health off my doorstep.

At any rate, here is my housekeeping advice; which is based on several factors.

• I was raised in a home where no one threw ANYTHING away.
• My husband saves every lottery ticket and concert stub and lovingly cherishes them by keeping them in a special place, namely EVERYWHERE I LOOK.
• My mother had at some point picked up Peg Bracken's "I Hate To Housekeep" book and it was a welcome break from Readers' Digest.
• I'm not Snow White, but I have had the dubious pleasure of having a lot of male roommates.
• One of my favorite things to read when I'm depressed is "The Tingle" from "The Philosophy of Andy Warhol". (highly recommended!)

How To Keep The Kitchen Clean:

Keep whatever you are going to use in a particular area at arm's reach. Knives next to the cutting board, cooking utensils next to the stove. Most important, keep potholders in a very obvious and reachable place for those times when you remember that you put a pot of sauce on medium heat about 2 hours ago.

If you use it, clean it! Rinse out pots as soon as you are done cooking, plates as soon as you are done eating and glasses as soon as you are done drinking.

When you are cooking, fix yourself a drink and it won't feel like a chore.

Keep a radio in the kitchen, or the tv. That way you don't feel like you are being punished when you are in there.

If you have a lot of friends over and they like to drink beer, or if you like to drink a lot of beer by yourself, put a small trash bin next to the sink and keep it lined with a grocery bag. That way people know where empties go. It doesn't guarantee they will actually put them there, but if they are as anal as you are, they will be comforted knowing that that's where they go.

Mail and Papers:

Put an in-box next to whatever door you bring in the mail. Put a letter-opener next to it, and a trash can. When you bring the mail in, either go through it right there and dump whatever you don't want, or keep the mail in one place so when you have a chance you can go through it.

The way I go through my stuff that accumulates is this. I put it in a big pile and go through it. If it's something that I need to pay, it goes in one pile. If it's something I should read, another pile. If it's neither, then I consider if it would be important if I was to apply for a loan. If it isn't relevant, then I toss it.

The Bathroom:

I get a plastic crate for my girl stuff. The husband gets one for his guy stuff.

Somewhere I bought this little suction cup that attaches to the bathroom mirror and holds a razor. I recommend suction cups for mirrors and tubs because you can take them when you move.

Always keep a magazine rack next to the toilet. But that's it. If I go to someone's house and they have "Finnegan's Wake" in the john, then I start to wonder about their diet. Although a friend of mine used to have an old typewriter set up in his bathroom and I thought that was a pretty cool idea.

The Bedroom:

Keep laundry out of sight. Of course for me, out of sight means out of mind, but I try. Also, the bedroom is for the bed, which is for sleeping. I used to keep a lot of stuff around the bed, like bills I had to go through and books I was trying to read, but doing stuff like that sitting in bed makes me feel like the older Edie Beale in "Grey Gardens"

Put your laundry away as soon as you bring it upstairs. This is why it's good to have a radio in the bedroom too.

In General:

2 things that instantly make your place seem more welcoming: 1) Always have music on, unless there is something on television actually worth watching. 2) Buy a lot of plants.

If you feel the urge to clean coming on and there's no stopping it, always put any clutter generated by your S. O. in a safe place and then tell them where it is. Do not attempt to sort it yourself. One person's clutter is another's carefully filed pile.